Angel in the House Assignment

“And the phantom was a woman, and when I came to know her better I called her after the heroine of a famous poem, The Angel in the House. It was she who used to come between me and my paper when I was writing reviews. It was she who bothered me and wasted my time and so tormented me that at last I killed her…” (Woolf)

I first met my Angel when I was nine years old; on the playground of my elementary school. I was wearing my favorite shirt from the zoo: black with a large face of an ape covering the entire front. I had just gotten braces (the first in my grade) and was very proud of them. My hobbies including playing kickball, golfing, and swimming. I often had the same thoughts as Zora Hurston, “who would deny themselves the pleasure of my company?” (Hurston). Then one day, I was playing basketball with a group of peers when I noticed my friend had on a shirt with only one, unrecognizable word across the chest. Later, at lunch, I asked her what it meant. My group of friends laughed and wondered how I had never heard of the name brand store before. They teased me and asked why I don't "act like a girl". Suddenly, my ape shirt that I had been wearing 3 out of 5 days a week felt ugly- too black, too large. The shirt that meant something to me, that represented an experience, a memory, a trait specific to me, a part of my identity was inferior compared to the vapid one word tee shirt my friend was wearing. It was the first time I remember feeling like my identity was less than someone else’s. I suddenly became intensely aware of these unspoken rules I was supposed to be following. Growing up with parents who adamently refused the gender binary made me oblivious to my angel much longer than most girls have the pleasure of. The differences I never noticed before, began to scream at me.

At first, I battled these new expectations. My 4^th and 5^th grade years were full of torment, as I realized I did not fit into the Limited Too jeans my friends were wearing. At 10 years old, I was developing body dysmoprhia. I didn't want to be a girl anymore-- at least not the definition of girl that was being pounded in my brain. I tried to learn to skateboard, I listened to all my brother’s punk CDs and even dressed in his clothing. I noticed my brother had been placed in advanced classes since kindergarten and despite our same test scores, I had never been offered the test. I forced my parents to call the school and let me take the test and I passed. But being only a child, the Angel eventually won. I kicked and screamed but eventually, I did believe that I was fat, I believed that I acted like a “boy” because I preferred blue and red Pokemon cards over all pink ovens. I felt defected. Blending in became my number one priority. I quit my advanced classes and I started chasing the unattainable identity- which is that of the groups. Videos of Christina Aguilara and Brittany Spears songs centered completely around the affection of men were the main inspirations I was given by media. No longer did I yearn for my own affection, derived from success in areas I found interesting; but instead I began to find the opinion of pre-pubsicent boys’ I went to school with more important. And these boys- they didn’t seem to care. They were more interested in extracurricular activities, competition in gym, and being the first to read out loud in class, which only fed into my own rejection of self. I don't say this to blame them, because they had not met the angel yet. As Virginia Woolf says, “For though men sensibly allow themselves great freedom… I doubt that they realize or can control the extreme severity with which they condem such freedom in women” (Woolf). It is the curse of the angel. It is no one’s fault and it is everyone’s fault, all at once.

I began to feel helpless. There were no wins for me. If I conformed to the narrow guidelines of female success presented as scantily clothed singers and actresses, I felt empty inside. But if I followed my “authentic self”, I was rejected by my peers. The angel is what ended up giving me a solution. I found it impossible to truly please myself but found if I could give others what they wanted, I could make them feel good about me, for me. I became a chameleon, trying to relate to everyone I met and please what they felt I should be. Around a year ago, after a semester of feminism, I was able to see this angel for what she was—a phantom over my shoulder: “She was intensely sympathetic. She was immensely charming. She was utterly unselfish. She excelled in the difficult arts of family life. She sacrificed herself daily. If there was chicken, she took the leg; if there was a draught she sat in it--in short she was so constituted that she never had a mind or a wish of her own, but preferred to sympathize always with the minds and wishes of others” (Woolf).

It has been a rough journey so far to find her, but I am lucky in that I have located myself through the small girl on the playground again. I found her within me, barely breathing. And I think if I had waited any longer, I’m not sure I would have made it…

“If I had not killed her, she would have killed me” (Woolf).

Woolf, Virginia. ""Professions for Women" by Virginia Woolf." "Professions for Women" by Virginia Woolf. 21 Jan. 1931. Web. 9 Sept. 2014.


"How It Feels to Be Colored Me, by Zora Hurston" StudyMode.com. 02 2013. 2013. 02 2013 <http://www.studymode.com/essays/How-It-Feels-To-Be-Colored-1404115.html>.

The Namesake

The movie, The Namesake, did an excellent job of exploring relationships between first and second-generation immigrants. The story follows a new couple who moves from India to America after marrying. The husband, Ashoke, has already lived in America but his wife, Ashima, has never seen America before. She is used to being surrounded by family, friends, and the culture of her home in India. The movie shows her home in India as being rich with vibrant colors, fabrics, and music. It also shows how the social culture in India is different. Her marriage was arranged and the movie also hints at the differences between social interactions in India and America. There is much more respect and importance placed on interactions between younger and older generations in India. This becomes a problem later in the movie, as her children are raised in America, where there is a not a big emphasis on how to address elders. The movie shows the streets of India, which are much different than America. The streets are crowded with many people traveling by different forms, such as bikes. The streets also have vendors and people playing music. When Ashima comes to America, it is a complete culture shock. Not only is she apart from her family, she also has to integrate into a culture she has never experienced before. The movie shows how Ashima felt completely isolated, and her feelings are justified due to the differences in her two lives. Her American life is a white walled apartment in the middle of a city she does not know how to navigate. Even the smallest of nuisances, for example how to eat cereal, are different for Ashima yet so important to her daily life.

When the couple has children, the identities become even more blurred. Their son, Gogol, is born in America, and therefore has a much better understanding of the sociocultural details of American life. He, himself, struggles with continuing his Indian identity in the face of American standards. This creates a distance between him and his parents however, as they identify with their Indian lifestyle first and their American lifestyle second. Gogol, like other children, wants to be a “normal” American child but he feels his Indian identity prevents him from fitting in. this leads him to reject many of the principles his parents accept, which causes tension in the relationship with his parents. He also does not understand Indian culture, as he has never lived there. This prevents the family from relating in some circumstances.

Before this movie, I did not realize how hard it is to be an immigrant. The combination of leaving everything familiar for the complete unfamiliar leads to a feeling of isolation. The movie also made me question the definition of home. Ashima felt like her home was in India, however she made all of her memories with her husband in America and so it also was a form of home. No matter where Ashima and Ashoke were, there was always a longing for a different place. This put a great emotional burden on them. The Namesake shed light on how hard it can be to transition from one culture to a different one.

A Close Reading of "By Night when Others Soundly Slept"

1
By night when others soundly slept
And hath at once both ease and Rest,

My waking eyes were open kept
And so to lie I found it best.

In the first section of this poem, Bradstreet describes a night where she cannot sleep – “my waking eyes were open kept”. In this section, the last word of every other line rhymes, which creates a good rhythm for the reader. In the second line, Bradstreet says others have “both ease and rest”. Here she not only is speaking of others sleeping—“rest” but also “ease”, which can make the reader assume she is not at ease because she is also not at rest. This creates some tension for the next section, and makes the tone of this section seem nervous or anxious.  In the final line, she says “And so to lie I found it best”. Here, there can be two meanings behind “lie”. She could mean that because she cannot sleep, she will just lie down or she could mean an untruthful “lie”, possibly as in she will lie about sleeping and instead wake up and do some type of action. Both the second and fourth lines of the poem create a feeling of anxiousness, unrest, and tension. The reader is left wondering what she will do to solve her inability to rest or be put at ease.

2
I sought him whom my Soul did Love,
With tears I sought him earnestly.
He bow’d his ear down from Above.

In vain I did not seek or cry.

In the first line, “I sought him who my Soul did Love,” the question of the definition of “lie” seems to be answered. In the first section, Bradstreet created a picture of a woman unable to sleep in bed and she opens the second section saying she “sought him”, which breaks the tension and creates excitement. In the second line of the poem—“With tears I sought him earnestly”, Bradstreet is reaching out to her “Love” for help with a sadness, as she is in tears.  The subject of the poem is in distress and is seeking guidance. The third line references Heaven as it says, “bow’d his ear down from Above”. The capitalization on above leads the reader to believe Bradstreet could be speaking about God or a religious figure. This section also has a different rhythm than the first. The rhythm seems more serious because the periods in the second, third, and fourth lines create pauses and slow the poem down. Also, this section only has a rhyme between the first and third lines. This makes this section more serious or sad as well.

3
My hungry soul he fill’d with Good;
He in his Bottle put my tears,
My smarting wounds washt in his blood,
And banish thence my Doubts and fears.

To start the third section, Bradstreet uses figurative language and describes her soul as “hungry”. The subject of the poem seems to be missing something or yearning for something. The subject is also hurt, as Bradstreet describes her “smarting wounds”, which means they are stinging and in pain. This section is more hopeful and promising than the last because the “he” she is seeking is able to cure her wounds, doubts and fears. When Bradstreet says he washes her wounds in his blood, it could be a biblical reference, which also leads the reader to believe she is speaking about a religious figure. The rhythm in his section closely matches the rhythm from the first section because the first and third lines rhyme and the second and fourth lines rhyme.

4

What to my Saviour shall I give

Who freely hath done this for me?
I’ll serve him here whilst I shall live
and Loue him to Eternity.

This section of the poem is the final section and has a tone of celebration and relief, along with dedication. Bradstreet has had her fears and doubts banished by what she calls in the first line, her “savior”. The rhyming of this section is identical to the first section and the rhythm sounds the same. In the last line, Bradstreet uses the word “loue”. The word loue is likely a French word that means “praise, commend”, meaning the subject of the poem is going to praise her Savior for the rest of time. This poem overall is about Bradstreet’s faith and how it is has helped her in times of pain. The name of the poem and the opening section suggest that Bradstreet feels other people are not experiencing this pain, and that she is alone because she goes to her faith at night, while others sleep. Night also signifies darkness, and the subject of the poem seems to be in darkness until her faith helps her heal.

Combination Poem

A Mind Divided Searches

I have gone out, a possessed witch
haunting the black air, braver at night
Shadows grew in my veins, my bright belief,
my head of dreams deeper than night and sleep

I have been her kind
Inadequate to love,
Supposes she’s enough

And the girl, the wellborn, goddess, human love--
young-known, new-knowing, mouth flickering, sure eyes--
you who have your own light,
who are to yourself a presence,
who need no presence

Pillar of white in a blackout of knives,
I have been her kind

My mind is quite divided

Has sickness, sickness. Introspective and whole,

She knows how several madnesses are born
Stasis in darkness

This is the room I have never been in
This is the room I could never breathe in

He looks into his mirror, loves himself--
with his whole soul.

Often this love has oppressed me;
But clouds of joys untried do cloak aspiring minds

Perhaps you consider yourself an oracle,
Mouthpiece of the dead, or of some god or other

I have been her kind

Searching my reaches for what she really is.
every gesture is wisdom
nothing is lost.

Hilda Dolittle
Muriel Rukeyser
Gwendolyn Brooks
Queen Elizabeth I
Sylvia Plath
Anne Sexton

Plath, Sexton, and Mental Illness

Both Sylvia Plath and Anne Sexton battled mental illness for the majority of their careers, before eventually losing their lives to it.  Since then, Plath especially, has had books, movies, and research done that depict her life and her mental illness. Though these portrayals, and others of mental illness, serve to inform viewers, they also tend to perpetuate a negative stigma about mental diseases. In many cases, the disorders are sensationalized. Plath’s daughter was even quoted as saying, “since she died, my mother has been dissected, analyzed, reinterpreted, reinvented, fictionalized, and in some cases completely fabricated”. The reporting on mental illness often leads to a negative view from the public. According to research done in 2007, “the mentally disordered are portrayed as 10 times more likely to be a violent criminals than non-mentally disordered characters” (Diefenbach).

Sexton has also been subjected to negative media portrayals after her death. Sexton’s work has commonly been classified as “confessional” and in 1969 she was quoted as saying “I hold back nothing” (Stanley). After she died and without her consent, the details of her therapy sessions, intended to help with her depression and mood swings, were released and made public. According to the New York Times, the sessions revealed that Sexton admitted to molesting her daughter. The chairman of the ethics committee of the American Psychiatric Association has publicly disapproved of the decision to release the records, saying “A patient’s right to confidentiality survives after death” (Stanley), however the family agreed to it. Though Sexton’s actions were wrong, the release of her records without her permission breaks patient confidentiality and also serves to demonize her mental illness. Would Sexton’s family doctor be able to release her medical records, unpunished?

In television, mentally ill characters are more likely to be portrayed negatively, with characteristics such as “violent”, “unpredictable”, and “dangerous” as common attributes (Diefenbach). A study in 2007 set out to examine whether the way media, television shows in particular, portrays mentally ill individuals effects individuals’ opinions on mental illness. The study found that “more than 1/3 of all mentally disordered characters… committed at least one violent crime, and the majority of mentally disordered criminals were multiple offenders” (Diefenbach). After testing random participants who viewed these shows, they found that “experiments in a controlled setting have proven that these portrayals do impact attitudes” (Diefenbach). The growing stigma around mental illness harms patients by creating a sense of guilt and personal responsibility for their illness. When mental illness is treated as an evil instead of a disease, it can isolate sufferers from society and from seeking help. Finally, the stigma surrounding it and the effects it has on society prevent professionals from clearly understanding and creating treatment for patients.

Diefenbach, D. L. and West, M. D. (2007), Television and attitudes toward mental health issues: Cultivation analysis and the third-person effect. J. Community Psychol., 35: 181–195. doi: 10.1002/jcop.20142

Stanley, Alessandra. "Poet Told All; Therapist Provides the Record." The New York Times. The New York Times, 14 July 1991. Web. 1 Dec. 2014.

Who is a Feminist?

More of a Corpse than a Woman

Give them my regards when you go to the school reunion;
and at the marriage-supper, say that I'm thinking about them.
They'll remember my name; I went to the movies with that one,
feeling the weight of their death where she sat at my elbow;
            she never said a word
            but all of them were heard

all of them alike, expensive girls, the leaden friends:
one used to play the piano, one of them once wrote a sonnet,
one even seemed awakened enough to photograph wheatfields-
the dull girls with the educated minds and technical passions-
             pure love was their employment,
             they tried it for enjoyment

Meet them at the boat: they've brought the souvenirs of boredom,
a seashell from the faltering monarchy;
the nose of a marble saint; and from the battlefield,
an empty shell divulged from a flower bed.
             The lady's wealthy breath
              perfumes the air with death

The leaden lady faces the fine, voluptuous woman,
faces a rising world bearing its gifts in its hands.
Kisses her casual dreams upon the lips she kisses,
risen, she moves away; takes others; moves away
           Inadequate to love,
           supposes she's enough

Give my regards to the well-protected woman,
I knew the ice-cream girl, we went to school together.
There's something to bury, people, when you begin to bury,
When your women are ready and rich in their wish for the world,
          destroy the leaden heart,
          we've a new race to start.



The other day, a friend of my older brother messaged me on Facebook and asked if I considered Nicki Minaj a feminist. After the release of her new video, Anaconda, he wondered how anyone could consider her a feminist when her video is completely about her sex appeal and women are constantly degraded down to only their sex appeal in the media. One might wonder at this point what a Muriel Rukeyser poem and a Nicki Minaj question have in common. However, I see an underlying thread. Though I agree that Nicki Minaj's new video is over-sexualized and I also agree that the woman described in Muriel Rukeyser's poem sounds vapid and problematic, I cannot help but feel uncomfortable by dissecting these women. Both of these situations are examples of focusing the blame on the oppressed instead of the oppressor.

Women today, especially performers, are narrowed down to their looks and sex appeal, as seen in Misrepresentation. Which is why the question about Nicki Minaj is relevant, yet when asked, I felt offended. I find I am constantly straddling the fence between anger and respect- anger for perpetuating stereotypes I have to fight on a daily basis. But respect, because I feel women should be able to express themselves in any manner they please. Rukeyser says at the end of her poem "When your women are ready and rich in their wish for the world, destroy the leaden heart, we've a new race to start". I find the line of this poem powerful, however I can't help but question, what does she mean by "when your women are ready"? Is it the responsibility, and therefore the blame, of these women for their vapidness? Personal blame, yes but societal blame? There is an implication of annoyance in this poem; annoyance with the "type" of woman she describes as "leaden". I can relate with this annoyance because I am tired of fighting stereotypes. And I also see importance in recognizing these trends, such as over-sexualized women or for Rukeyser, women who are bored and uninterested. I also wonder if we can ever truly end the gender gap if we do not quit analyzing the bodies and actions of women so strictly.

My Brilliant Career and Emily Dickinson

In the 19th century, the roles of men and women in the middle and upper-class were kept separate. This separation had great implications on the lives of women in the 19th century and continues to bleed into today's society and values, in duller ways. In the past, men were allowed to choose between many options for their life, from receiving their family's inheritance to choosing a profession of their liking. Women, on the other hand, were only offered marriage as a route of "freedom" from their childhood home or from being a "governess" to another household. A woman desiring a career, however, would of been socially isolated. The consequences of the separate lives women and men lived are depicted in the similarities between the movie My Brilliant Career and the life of Emily Dickinson.

In My Brilliant Career, Sybylla is a young girl growing up in a poor family. She is sent to her grandmother's to live, who is much wealthier than her immediate family. Sybylla is seen as ugly, rambunctious and unruley due to her love for creative hobbies, such as piano, singing, and writing (along with her tendency to speak her mind freely). Upon her arrival, her grandmother and aunt immediately begin discussing to whom and when she will get married. Though Sybylla spends most of the movie honing different crafts, no one sees these talents as important to her future. Sybylla is mainly mentioned as being unfortunate looking and out of line. Additionally, after verbally denying a desire for marriage and her family doubting her ability to become married due to her looks, she is still forced into the idea that marriage is her only option. She insists she wants to be a writer, however no one in the movie can see that as plausible career path due to her sex, even though it appears her grandmother is very well off. Most of the characters in the movie seem to freely discuss her "unfortunate" looks while ignoring the talents and charisma she possesses. When a suitor does see Sybylla for who she is, she still will not marry him because she is fearful she will lose herself in the process. The fear Sybylla has about marriage, exemplfies that marriage in the 19th century was not actually a "freedom" from anything, but instead a different prison.

At the end of the movie, there is no real sign or suggestion that Sybylla will get her "brilliant career". In fact, it appears she will be forced, with no choice in the matter, into any path her life takes. In this way, women in the 19th century did not have control over their lives whether they married or not. Almost every "option" given to them led to a life trapped in other people's desires for them. This is quite similar to the way historians portray Emily Dickinson's life. She chose not to marry, but also became a recluse-- trapped in her own home. In "The Norton Anthology of Literature", it states "... after only a year she left school, never to return, and from then on her life became increasingly withdrawn, as she slowly developed the fear of public places (known as agoraphobia) that marked her later years" (1038).

Many scholars theorize that Emily Dickinson became withdrawn due to a "tragic romance", however after watching My Brilliant Career, it becomes easy to theorize a world where Dickinson felt trapped by circumstances out of her control. Dickinson, like Sybylla could have simply desired a life where her career and her own personal growth were put first. It is possible to imagine the confinements of her room were less isolating then the choices she was given outside of it.